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Uncredited Funny Thoughts

Here are some humorous thoughts to give you a laugh and maybe make you think a bit too. Not all of them came from my own mind (though some of them are), but I cannot credit the creators of the thoughts. They are paraphrased, re-organized, chopped up and otherwise run through the meat grinder we call memory.

In any case, enjoy these funny thoughts...

I felt that I could never succeed at the things I tried, so I tried to fail, figuring that this was certainly something I could succeed at. Then, when I succeeded at failing, I wasn't sure which I had done.

If you were the most honest and the most modest man in the world, and someone asked you who the most modest man in the world is, would you have to give up one of your titles in order to answer?

I had to write my own self help book, because reading someone else's seemed to defeat the purpose.

The last time I dropped acid I saw visions of people. Does that mean I'm God?

I saw a crematorium the other day that advertised discounts for burn victims.

The woman knew that her husband was suicidal, but she really started to worry when she overheard him calling the funeral home to ask about their two-for-one sale on caskets.

I hate typing, so I just wrote the book in my head. I'm going to market it to mind readers.

Animal testing seems unnecessarily cruel. The animals get too nervous and never get the right answers.

I was thinking that it's time to just deal with reality directly, so I tried to imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.

A conclusion is just the place where you got tired of thinking.

Sometimes a fact or two can spoil a perfectly good argument.

Does it bother you that every brain surgeon has to have a first operation?

John almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she dumped him before they met.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world. - Steven Wright

Do you think phonetic should be spelled the way it sounds?

You know what they say: "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

Sitting at my computer today, I realized that only drug dealers and software developers call their clients "users."

I've been trying to find another word for synonym.

"Con" is the opposite of "pro," so "congress" must be the opposite of "progress."

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